I have really been struggling, as they have been so negative lately:
"You're so dumb, I can't believe you just did that" - this usually happens at work
"You can't play roller derby! You suck, you're too old, and nobody wants you here" - this is before/during/after practice
"God, you're so annoying - you're so quiet, nobody can hear you - what's wrong with you?" - at work usually, but can happy anywhere
"You're a shitty mom - you're always at work/derby/etc and never do anything fun with the kids"
"You're such a loser, why would anybody want to waste their time with you? No wonder you don't have any friends"
These thoughts are killing me... I am such a miserable piece of shit... I know I have to stop these thoughts, and stop letting them hurt me so much. Why do I think this way? I always have. And sometimes I can pull my way out, and sometimes I just let them bury me. I'm headed towards the bottom again, and quickly. Things have been so crazy and changing I just can't seem to keep up or learn how to deal with them.
Today I'll start with:
Case #1: Roller Derby
I joined roller derby in April 2012. I thought it sounded like a fun way to get some exercise, let out some steam, and maybe make some cool friends. Got me a pair of cheapo roller skates, pads, helmet, etc. Went to my first try-out... did pretty good, considering I haven't worn skates in over 20 years. Thought, "hey this is fun, let's go again". So I did, and went every week for the next 3 months. I didn't feel overly intimidated, as 90% of us were newbies, and there were lots of others that I could outskate at that point. Passed my benchmarks within the 2 months, and then it all went downhill from there.
Not sure why, but I started to doubt my abilities. I started to notice people forming "cliques", and not that anybody even tried excluding me, I started to withdraw and pull myself away from it all. I actually chose to exclude myself from things because I thought that nobody wanted me there in the first place. I felt self-conscious, like an awkward teenager. I knew I wasn't a bad skater, but I just never felt like I fit in. I've always felt that way in most situations. I could sometimes overcome those emotions after a few drinks, but skating + drinking = big NO NO!
Around this time, we decided we would move from Alberta to BC. Along with this decision, I made my family promise they wouldn't let me give up on derby. It really was something I loved to do, and I really am not that bad at it. I thought that maybe starting with another league might be just what I needed. Well, look at me now... back in the same spot I was in before we moved. I've actually entertained the thought that I should just quit... give up... quit wasting everyone's time. I'm hanging on by a string right now, and the only reasons I'm still going to practice is because I really do love it, and because I don't want my daughters to see me quit and stop doing something that I love. What kind of example would that be? Exactly... mommy guilt. Ugh it sucks!
Last weekend I went to a roller derby bootcamp, lead by a coach from Texas, in the hopes it would help me with my gameplay. I certainly did learn a lot, and am glad that I went. He is an amazing coach. But the one thing that stuck in my head from the weekend? How much better everyone else is. All of those girls at that bootcamp are such awesome skaters, could totally skate circles around me. They are amazing, and I'm not. I tried so hard, but I just ended up looking like a total fool (in my eyes, anyway). I have such high expectations of myself, and I haven't met any of them. I waffle between "Why can't I skate like that?" and then "You'll never be as good as them... why are you wasting your time"? P
I really DO want to be that good, and sometimes I tell myself "You're gonna kick ass like that one day!"... and I'll be totally inspired for a bit, then I'll go to practice and get a total reality check as to how crappy I really am. I haven't been able to go to the last 4 practices, as I've had to work. I should be able to go from now on, as I've booked those nights off at work for the rest of the season. I will keep going, I need the exercise anyway. I have to start thinking positive, no more self-limiting thoughts (as Tony Robbins would say).
Another thing that I think is holding me back is my skates. I feel like I'm a skating Frankenstein. There is no flex on my plates, and I barely noticed a difference when I changed my cushions. I can't even plow stop because I can't bend/flex my skates enough to dig in my wheels. So I've decided I need some new skates. Yes, I feel guilty spending more money... but I really need this. I want to be able to do all those things those amazing skaters do, and I happened to notice that none of them skate on the beginner setup I have right now. I've ordered some Avenger Magnesium plates, and am going to try on skate boots next weekend when we go to Vancouver. I'm hoping they will help me to skate a bit better, and I'm trying so hard and getting nowhere with what I have now.
Yes, I realize that I am not going to be that amazing skater just by getting new skates. I know I still have lots of hard work ahead of me. It's going to be like starting all over again for a while as I break them in. But I need some encouragement. I really really really want this, and I want to be someone that can teach others, and I want to be a leader. Yes, me, the introvert... I jammed last weekend for the first time and I totally want to do it again... and again, and again.
I will end today off with a positive thought:
"I am a hard-working skater, and will do what it takes to be an amazing jammer, blocker, and teammate"
